Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
