I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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