Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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