I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
