she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
