If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
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he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
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Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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