I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
