I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
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Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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