Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize