On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
