last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
