Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
