Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
