so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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