i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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