I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
