Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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