I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
