anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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