You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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