So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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