Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
