Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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