My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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