My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
