I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just found a bag of teeth...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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