Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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