I can feel you judging me through the phone.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
