so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
