My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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