My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
