why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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