Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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