dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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