Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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