The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
