I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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