Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?