3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I look better un-naked...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
