She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
