i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
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I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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