listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
