At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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