she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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