dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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