it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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