apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
