I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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