i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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