her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
