i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
