I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
