Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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