Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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