I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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